sometimes
by DreamersMyth27
Summary: Sometimes Ben feels empty.


**So, not really sure what exactly this is. I found it floating around my docs and figured why not post it? Enjoy!**

* * *

Sometimes, Ben forgets how young he really is.

He never has time to think about it. Not when he's following Klaus everywhere and trying to make sure his brother stays alive. Klaus usually does his best to ignore him. It's frustrating at the best of times. Lonely the rest.

Being dead means he doesn't age. No changes in brain chemistry that come with puberty's close. No voice dropping. No extra inches to finally become taller. He remains the same skinny, short, quiet teenager he was when he died.

Klaus never mentions it, but Ben knows he thinks about it. He sees the looks Klaus gives him sometimes. When he's sober enough to actually care about anything other than where he'll get his next high.

But Ben never _really _thinks about it, not as much as he probably should. Why would he when only Klaus can see him? When only Klaus can hear how his voice still cracks? When only Klaus can see how short he really is?

* * *

When Klaus summons him Ben only manages to punch Klaus hard enough to knock some pills of questionable substance out of his mouth. The second time he keeps Diego from being crushed. No one sees him other than Klaus those times.

It's the third time that they do, and no one has time to really think about how young Ben still is, least of all Ben. It's only when it's all over and done with that anyone has time, and no one mentions it because Vanya is more important at the moment. No one mentions it, but they don't forget.

And then Five drags them back to the past. To being thirteen and alive. Ben isn't used to having a heart beating beneath his skin. He's been dead almost as long as he'd been alive. He can feel the monsters again but he's not scared. Not now.

"Oh, god," Ben says. "I can't believe that worked."

"Me either," Klaus replies automatically from the ground.

"_Ben_?"

Suddenly Ben feels someone launch themselves at him. He's knocked to the ground. Hard. He'll probably bruise later. He'll bruise. For some reason, that makes him laugh.

He hugs whoever is clinging to him back, squeezing them tightly. He feels them sobbing.

"Ben, you're here!" Klaus cheers. Standing up and doing a jig of some sort. "Like, you're alive!"

"I know," Ben agrees. "This is amazing."

"Ben?" Allison asks. Her voice breaks. Ben looks over at her and his eyes soften.

"Allison," he says. He finally realizes it's Diego on top of him. She barrels into them, and at this point, Klaus joins in, then Luther who's still holding Vanya. It's pretty much a group hug, except over half of them are sobbing hysterically.

* * *

Their father notices something going on with them within a day of their arrival to the past. All of them (except Five and Ben) are tripping over their limbs. It's like their not used to their height. Even Diego's aim seems to be off.

Their father mentions it the next morning at breakfast and proposes a hypothesis on why. He's right. It's actually kind of stunning.

"I do have to wonder why Number Five and Number Six do not seem to be having the same issues," he adds. It's clearly a question for them.

"Well, I ended up in this body when I went to 2019 from the future," Five says. "And I had a week to get used to it before I brought us back here."

His father turns to look at Ben, who smiles thinly.

"I never really got much taller than this," he says. "It's not much of a difference."

The only advantage to their father knowing is that he mostly leaves them alone. They're adults now, and after a compelling argument from Five, he lets them be. Especially since Five is able to convince him it's the smartest decision for the future and prevention of the apocalypse.

But it's that morning, after breakfast that they all confront him.

"I died when I was fifteen," Ben says, almost gently. "And the dead don't really age."

He leaves them with that horrifying bit of information.

* * *

When Ben has been dead for exactly two years he finds out just how horrible it really is. Not for him or Klaus, but just in general. He goes to visit Luther, at the academy. Allison is gone, and so are Diego and Vanya. Five is missing and Klaus avoids going back home like the Devil avoids entering Heaven.

Luther is taller than Ben remembers him being. And it strikes Ben how he won't age anymore. He'll watch his siblings get taller and older while staying young. He hates it so much more than any other punishment he's ever endured in his life.

He feels like someone is ripping his heart out and stomping on it over and over again. Or something like that. He finds Klaus and avoids seeing the others just to avoid the pain.

It doesn't work fully. Sometimes Klaus still sees Diego and Vanya. Allison is on every billboard ever. But it's better. For now, at least.

* * *

"You know, I've been here the whole time. It's not like I missed much," Ben mutters to himself one morning while Luther is telling him a story about their seventeenth birthday. He doesn't expect anyone to hear him. He still forgets they can now, sometimes.

Ben can pretty much feel them flinch collectively, except for Klaus, who is used to comments like that from him.

"You were dead," Luther says dumbly.

"Well, yeah, but ghosts are real you know. They're also super scary most of the time. Like, they're missing faces. Klaus never lied about me though. I figured you should know."

"He was always high. We all knew he couldn't see anything when he was high," Allison defends.

"Except for me," Ben says. "And really, none of you tried harder to get Vanya out of that cage? Not even you, Klaus? You of all people know what it feels like to be trapped."

Klaus pales. And Ben didn't mean to say any of that, but it's what he's been thinking. And he's not going to stop now.

"And Luther, you let Klaus die. He _died_ in that club trying to keep you from getting killed by the guy whose girlfriend you stole. And you couldn't have stayed? Or listened to him when he told you how horrible the ghosts were, Diego? Allison, maybe you could have at least tried to fix whatever you did to Vanya? You remembered it, after all?"

Ben is heaving by the end of it. They're all gaping at him.

"You know, you turned into a real jerk," Diego says.

Ben stands up and walks towards the door. "At least I'm a jerk who cares."

* * *

Sometimes Ben feels empty. He's not sure if being a ghost for so long took something from him or maybe it's that the monsters he's host to finally infecting his heart. But he just finds it hard to care. About anything.

Being back is great, but it's tiring. He has to eat and sleep and talk. He can't just fade into the background anymore. Before, when he was dead he could say anything he wanted and no one but Klaus would hear. Now when he does that everyone but Klaus looks at him like he's a stranger in the skin of their brother.

He hates it. People change, don't they? And maybe someday they will understand, but for now Ben lets it be. He's sure they'll understand his eventually. They'll understand that he's different. That he can't just regrow the parts that have faded with time and years. Things like innocence and quiet. Pacifism.


End file.
